


The Beauty of the Written Word

by RachaelGold



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s04e22 Unforgettable, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 06:02:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14514081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachaelGold/pseuds/RachaelGold
Summary: Chakotay frantically writes himself a letter, before all memory of what has happened is wiped from his mind. The loss would be unbearable. An episode addition toUnforgettable. You will have to allow me a little license here. In my version, the crew forget everything that happened during the visit of the Ramurans.Setting: Season 4





	The Beauty of the Written Word

_Love is the greatest mystery of all._  
_A chance combination of elements._  
_If we could define love…predict it…it would probably lose its power._  
_(Neelix, Unforgettable)  
_

__

  


Neelix's words of encouragement echoed in Chakotay's mind as the nib of his feather pen scratched its spidery way across the parchment. The only other sound in the messhall came from Neelix himself. He was bustling away in the kitchen, clearing away the pans and other detritus of the day's meals. The scrape of Chakotay's pen hinted at a distant pre-technological age…and, if you tried hard, you could almost imagine the chimes of Janeway's grandfather clock filling the room, though it was several decks away. 

Chakotay wrote furiously, desperate to put down everything in his heart, before the memory faded. Even now, he could feel certain images receding from his mind. His head ached with tiredness, his eyelids were heavy, though he fought the coming oblivion with all his remaining strength. It had been a very long day. He knew the instant he dozed, every beautiful thought in his head would be lost. No doubt he had been given the strongest dose of the mind-numbing pheromones. 

That's why he'd come here to write. He'd primed Neelix to nudge him at the slightest sign he was losing consciousness. The dear man had given him every encouragement, spoken with a wisdom Chakotay hadn't known he possessed. And he was regularly topping up his coffee mug. Tonight he was a lifeline to Chakotay. He glanced up and smiled. Neelix smiled in response, barely concealing a yawn. He was fighting it too. 

He lifted the feather. He was so glad he had learned to fashion pens this way in his youth. All pens on the ship had vanished instantly. Replicators were off line. He had no doubt that this had been induced by the Ramurans too. All inks had similarly disappeared. The black dye he was using in place of ink, he had improvised with boot polish and water. The paper he had found at the bottom of a drawer…he was thankful that hadn't disappeared. There were several sheets of a rather beautiful vellum he had purchased on a planet months ago and saved for some special purpose. 

The words he wrote to himself. Because he wanted to remember. 

He began by telling himself about the arrival of Kellin, a most mesmerising and beautiful woman. How she told the tale of having been on the ship before, even though not one member of the crew could remember it, and how she told him that they had fallen in love. How they had apparently fallen in love all over again. How the tracer had come and Kellin had been taken away from them again. Then the ship's systems were wiped of all information, and the memories of the last day or so began to dissolve from the minds of the people left behind. They would eventually remember nothing of what had happened…they hadn't the first time. There was no doubt in Chakotay's mind that, but for the script he was writing now, all trace of what had happened would be lost. So he carefully included little clues from his early life, that would assure his future self, when he read this tomorrow, that he had himself been the author. 

He was well onto his fourth sheet, when he faltered, glad to be near the end of his story. His head nodded and he suddenly became aware of Neelix's concerned hand on his shoulder. 

"Commander. Your letter…is it nearly finished?" 

He shook himself, momentarily disorientated. What was he doing? Writing a letter? To himself? What was it about? He frowned in confusion, until some dim recollection of what he was doing rose in his mind. 

"Commander, I think I'd better help you to your quarters," added Neelix. 

Chakotay nodded. "Yes, I think you're right." He gathered up the papers and the ink, wondering why he wasn't using his usual pen. The words on the pages swam before his eyes. It was difficult to focus. 

"Perhaps, you'd just better sign it at the bottom," suggested Neelix helpfully. 

"Yes," Chakotay thought out loud. "Yes, I think I should." He turned up the last sheet and knotted his brows in consternation at what he'd been writing about, but he added his signature anyway, and then staggered his way back to his quarters. The leaves were dropped onto the bedside table, just as he collapsed fully clothed onto his bed. He was instantly asleep. 

* * *

  


Seven hours earlier  


Chakotay stood anxiously outside the door to Kathryn's quarters, holding a placatory bottle of wine. He took a deep breath in an attempt to douse the wave of nausea that was clawing at him. He felt somewhat violated by Kellin's manipulation of him. She must have worked some kind of mind control over him to have made him believe he was in love with her. Now, as her grip on his thoughts began to loosen, he knew it had all been a delusion. He never would have fallen in love with her. It simply wasn't him, as he had told Neelix earlier. He was in love with somebody else, albeit a rather desperate unrequited love. No, he should have gone with his first gut instinct. He knew he shouldn't have trusted her. 

Nonetheless, he knew Kathryn had been hurt by the situation. He'd caught the look of pain that crossed her face when she'd seen the two of them together. At the time it hadn't registered, but now that Kellin was gone, her influence on him was already receding, and he recognised the look for what it was. Heartache. 

He could just leave things be. By tomorrow morning, neither of them would remember anything about the last couple of days, but he was truly anxious to set things straight with the woman he loved. He didn't want to spend what remained of the evening anguishing about it. 

He rang the chime and Kathryn bade him to enter. She was standing by the viewport, still in uniform and admiring the black starscape. 

"Commander?" she asked rather formally. 

"Captain…Kathryn, I came to apologise. I know my behaviour has been…less than professional. I can only say that I don't think I was quite myself." 

"There's no need to apologise. Kellin is a beautiful woman. It's entirely understandable that you should be so taken by her. I'm only sorry it hasn't worked out for you." 

"You are?" asked Chakotay, a little disappointed. 

"Of course. I only want you to be happy." 

"No, Kathryn. She wouldn't have made me happy. I wasn't thinking straight. She had some kind of hypnotic effect on me. Everything I felt for her was an illusion. Now she's gone…frankly, I'm relieved." 

Kathryn's gaze turned towards him, and her eyes showed curiosity. "Relieved?" 

"Yes. I'm not in love with her. My head is clear now." 

"Good. I'm glad you've found your peace about it." Their eyes met briefly, each trying to look beyond the spoken words. 

"Have you eaten?" 

"No. I'm not hungry. Replicators aren't working, and engineering can't seem to find the problem…" 

"Probably another trick of the Ramurans." 

"Very likely. Ops report ship's records being rewritten as we speak…and we appear to be locked out. I guess there's not a lot we can do about it until the purge is complete." 

"I can offer you a drink though. I brought a bottle of wine I had secreted away. Interested?" 

"What do you think?" she responded with a relaxed smile. He felt the tension ebb away between them, and smiled back in relief. He went to fetch two glasses…he knew where she kept most things…and poured the ruby liquid. She had made no attempt to come away from the window, so he came up behind her to offer her a glass. She accepted gratefully. 

"Will we remember nothing of what happened the last two days when we wake tomorrow?" he asked. 

"Well, if Kellin is to be believed…they've been before. And not one of us remembers a single thing from that visit." 

"Of course, they could have been lying. It might have just been another part of their elaborate game." 

"To what end?" 

"Well, I guess there was no real purpose to their visit, unless Kellin really was that infatuated with me…" 

"So this is all your fault?" 

"Can I help it, if I am so devastatingly attractive to the opposite sex?" 

She grinned in response. "Don't let it go to your head!" She was quiet for a few minutes, before adding, "I think they were telling the truth, though. We do seem to have had a few incredibly boring days about a month ago. No planets, no aliens, no anomalies, no ship's malfunctions…too ordinary…unbelievably ordinary and nobody remembers a single thing that happened for several days. I'd say that pretty much counts for an aberration in itself." 

"Yep. I think you're right. And to tell the truth, I rather feel my memory is already slipping a little." 

They sipped their wine in silence for a while, before Chakotay continued, "Kathryn, don't you think we have a wonderful opportunity here? We could do anything we liked tonight and nobody would remember it at all in the morning. We could space Neelix's supply of leola root, chop his whiskers, switch some pieces of Tuvok's kal toh, do the conga down the corridors…" 

"Plot revenge on a few irritating ensigns, send the entire crew to scrub the plasma manifolds, confiscate Tom's holochips…" she laughed, joining the spirit of the discussion. 

"Especially Captain Proton?" 

"Especially Captain Proton." 

"Dance naked in the messhall…" 

"Feel free, Commander. But I won't be joining you." 

"Admit our feelings for each other like two rational adults." He heard her sharp intake of breath, and he watched her reflection carefully in the viewport. The surprise gave way to interest, and he knew he wasn't misjudging her feelings. "Come on, Kathryn. There'd be no risk to our command relationship. We'll never know what happened tomorrow. We'll just be our normal ourselves, two ridiculous people avoiding the inevitable. For all we know, we did exactly the same thing a month ago! You do love me, don't you?" 

She was quiet for long weighty moments. "Yes, Chakotay. I've loved you for a long time," she said softly. 

He sighed with relief. "Good, because I've loved you for longer." He snaked his arm round her, drawing her into the warmth of his body. "And I think we should give ourselves a wonderful night together. Find out how we could be together. Wake up tomorrow none the wiser, but a whole lot less frustrated." She sighed. The idea had its merits. It definitely had its merits. "You're over Mark, I know you are. Let me make love to you, my darling. The way you deserve to be loved." 

"We can't…" she whispered. 

"We can," he corrected her. "No guilt. No regrets. No awkwardness. No gossip from the crew. No blot on our Starfleet records." He began nuzzling her neck. She was trembling, but her head was leaning ever closer into him. Then he saw her glance up at the grandfather clock and he knew he had her. She was assessing how much time they had. It was about 18.00 hours. "I'd say five or six hours tops," he continued, answering her unspoken question. "This could be the most incredible night of our lives. Too bad we won't remember it. Just like a dream that vanishes on waking…" He caught a reflection of the sparkle in her eyes and it spurred him onward. "What do you say?" he finished, brushing her ear with his lips. 

Her body quivered as she turned to face him. "Okay, let's do it," she agreed with a smile. "But you must be out of here before you fall asleep. Promise me you'll go before either us becomes disorientated or begins to get sleepy…" 

"That's a promise," he said lifting her hand and planting a kiss in the palm. "Come, Kathryn, let's not waste a minute of it." He drew her to the centre of the room, where the wine glasses were quickly deposited. Spinning her to face him, he placed his hands on her tiny waist. Her eyes were gleaming with emotion as she met his gaze. He could feel a little tension in her demeanour. He lowered his lips onto hers and softly suckled on their sweetness. He pulled her tighter, and she gave a little gasp, as he pushed past her lips and plundered her mouth. He paused, still sensing a slither of resistance in her body. 

"Kathryn, if you don't want this, I'll stop." 

She smiled encouragingly, and he was suddenly transfixed by the intensity in her eyes. "No!" she breathed huskily. "Don't you dare stop! I'll be right there with you in a minute, you'll see." Her hands slid round and began to trace intricate patterns on his back. "It's just…it's been a long time for me." 

Chakotay had figured on that. He knew he was going to have to keep a rein on his enthusiasm, and he had prepared for this moment for years. "I know. I promise I'll be gentle. Trust me." 

His hands lifted to her neck and his fingers reached into her silky hair. When he captured her lips this time, she began to respond in kind, and he felt her relax, her body melting into his as the tension drained away. 

He thumbed her jacket open and slipped it from her shoulders. Then he reverently removed each pip one by one from her collar and placed them in a shiny little line on the coffee table. She reached up and took his rank bar to join them. They were symbolically laying aside rank for the rest of the evening. The Captain and Commander were gone, leaving only a man and a woman in love with each other. Chakotay shrugged off his jacket. 

His hands began to dance across her body, and more clothes were delicately peeled away, dropping like blossom petals onto the carpet. As more flesh became exposed, the kisses explored farther and more fervently. Kathryn's body began to hum in response to his touch. Chakotay was on fire, but straining to keep control of himself. But for both of them this was pure bliss. Her soul was answering the cry of his. 

They were both down to their underwear by the time he carried her through to her bedroom and laid her down on the bed, pulling away her bra at the same time. She raised her hips, and he took this as an invitation to remove her panties. 

"You're so beautiful!" he whispered, as his eyes swept her naked form, almost as if he hoped that, by trying to burn the vision in his memory, some image of this might linger after the coming erasure. After all, it was an image that had fuelled his imagination for a long time. 

She smiled. "And so are you!" she said reaching up to welcome him into her arms. 

Chakotay loomed over her, naked now. As he dipped lower, he cast a necklace of kisses along the length of her collarbone. 

They made love tenderly and beautifully first time round. Chakotay took it carefully, but slowly and surely he took possession of her. Then they took their time to explore each other thoroughly, learning the taste, the texture and the softness of the other, finding different ways to send each other blissfully into oblivion. Later, they shared Kathryn's bath tub, the balmy water wrapping them intimately in a warm cocoon of love. The last time was fast and furious as they hungrily spent the last of their energy on one final gift. The hours were filled with loving and giving, as they tried to milk every precious second, neither wanting the evening to come to an end. Both praying it never would. 

In between they talked. They were for the first time both honest about their feelings for each other. They expressed their love in words and actions. They told each other of the depth and length of their affection, how no other could ever come close. In turn they talked about the reasons why they had to keep apart, and the reasons why they had to be together. It was easy to take a positive view point here: neither one of them was going to remember the conversation the next day. The crew would accept it. They were hoping for it. There would be very little opposition, particularly amongst the senior staff. Tuvok might be a stickler for the regulations, but even he would the logic in their acting on their attraction rather than wasting endlessly energy fighting it. He understood the human need for regular intimacy. Starfleet could never expect a Captain to live fifty odd years alone, and would surely understand the uniqueness of their situation. They were both sensible mature adults. There had to be a way to make it work. At the end of the day, no power in the universe could keep them from each other. Sooner or later, the invisible barrier between them would snap, buckling under the force of their attraction. He was sure he had her convinced. 

As midnight approached, he heard Kathryn sigh sleepily, and he knew, however reluctant he was to bring an end to this wonderful evening, that he had to leave. If he stayed a minute longer, he would fall asleep. And he would break his promise to her. Then they would wake in the morning sprawling nakedly beside each other, and all hell would break out. 

He rose and kissed his darling woman goodnight. No, not goodnight, but goodbye. This felt like a parting for eternity and the pain was raw. She clung to him desperately for a few final moments, whispering her love to him, before finally releasing him, allowing him to slip from her fingers like dust vanishing in the wind. He smiled at her, trying his best not to show his own terrible misery, but he couldn't fail to notice the sheen of agony in her eyes. 

As he left her quarters, he suddenly felt burdened with the need to try to tell himself what had happened here tonight. He simply didn't want to forget. He wanted something to remember this by. With that in mind, he raided his own room for writing materials, and took himself off to the messhall. He needed coffee…just to enable him to stay awake long enough to write everything down….. 

* * *

  


Chakotay woke the next morning feeling very disorientated. He felt absolutely exhausted, as if he'd gone ten rounds in the boxing ring. He certainly couldn't have slept very well. He'd had an ordinary routine day yesterday. He couldn't remember any problems cropping up. In truth it had probably been too boring. So how come he felt so shattered? And how come he hadn't had the energy to take off his uniform? He staggered into his bathroom and took a shower. That at least rejuvenated him, but as he soaped his shoulders, he felt a stinging tenderness. Glancing in the mirror, he spotted some strange scratches on his back. Possibly even a bite mark. Spirits, anyone would think he'd just spent a night of unbridled passion. Well, he was pretty sure he'd remember, if he had. 

He wrapped himself in a towel, and sauntered through to his replicator. "Herbal tea, hot. Chakotay blend 31." 

" _Replicators are off-line._ " 

He sighed in frustration. "How long have they been off-line?" 

" _Fourteen hours, seventeen minutes, thirty-four seconds._ " That long? Did he remember being informed they weren't working yesterday? He must have forgotten. Damn, he'd have to go to the messhall for breakfast. 

"Estimated time to repair?" 

" _Unknown._ " He commed engineering, and found that they were aware of the malfunction, but were unable to find any fault as yet. 

"Great," he muttered to himself, as he headed back to his bedroom to dress. It was then that he spotted several sheets of paper, covered in spidery script, on the table beside the bed. On top lay a quill pen, just as he might have fashioned when he was a boy. 

He stepped across the room feeling rather curious. He didn't recall leaving that there last night. If anything, he'd probably read a book before falling asleep. Perhaps he'd had rather too much to drink last night. But he didn't remember drinking anything, and it would have been most unlike him to have got so completely legless. 

He lifted the sheets. There were four of them, written on both sides. 

He began to read. 

What he read, he found both shocking and tantalising. It looked very much like his writing, but he could not remember writing it. At any rate, he recognised the paper as some he had bought some time ago, and was saving for a special occasion. 

The letter began with an explanation about a visit from some strange aliens…Ramurans…who were impervious to all sensors and wiped people's memories when they left. That much seemed plausible. 

Then it told him things from his past…words his parents had said to him…things he'd done as a child. The writer was clearly trying to convince him that he indeed had written this. He began to feel extremely suspicious. This was some elaborate hoax…or maybe Q playing some cruel trick. 

It told him how a woman called Kellin had tricked him into falling in love with her. Could he possibly be that gullible? However, she had been caught and taken away. The aliens had left and begun their memory purge. A virus had also been planted into the ship's systems to eradicate all reference to the aliens and rewrite the ship's logs for that period. 

And then it told him something that utterly stunned him. He had gone to Kathryn, apologised for his behaviour, and together they had used what remained of this other-worldly day to express their love for each other, first in words and then finally in physical intimacy. He had spent several hours blissfully making love to the woman of his dreams, knowing that it would all be forgotten the next day. Lived another existence for a few precious hours. What the writer wrote had a dream-like quality. Like something out of an alternate reality. Both the agony and the ecstasy of the writer poured through the words. He wanted to remember. He wanted his future self to know what had happened. He wanted to cheat those all powerful alien beings, who thought they had a god-like right to play games with people's lives. 

Chakotay struggled to breathe as he read. This was some cruel, cruel hoax. Some dreadful sick joke. How could anybody do this to him? This was the most painful thing anyone could try to taunt him over. Most people on Voyager were probably aware of his feelings for Kathryn and knew that this would hurt him profoundly. But he couldn't think that any of their crew would stoop this low. And how could any of them have known some of the very personal things written here? Spirits, he so wanted what was written here to have been true. 

He crossed back into the bathroom and studied the marks on his back in the mirror. They looked very definitely like finger nail scratches. He could go to sickbay and get the Doctor to do a DNA analysis on them. That would confirm if Kathryn had made them, but, if that turned out to be the case, she wouldn't thank him for involving another crewmember. The Doctor, although bound by patient confidentiality, could also be relied upon to be one of the biggest blabbermouths on board. 

Why had he not used a dermal regenerator on them? Maybe they weren't working either. He went and fetched one from a drawer, and quickly erased just one mark from his shoulder. That only left one possible explanation. He'd wanted himself to find them. 

He glanced down and fingered his genitals rather reverently. He almost wished he hadn't taken a shower this morning. Had he touched Kathryn intimately? Had he entered her? Had he been _inside_ her...the one woman who meant more to him than life itself? He mused that his private parts seemed somehow…well…strangely satisfied, or was that just his imagination playing tricks on him? 

He dressed quickly and headed for the messhall. Tom was in just ahead of him, asking Neelix what was for breakfast. 

Neelix looked somewhat flustered. "Oh dear! Oh dear! I was going to make Parsillim eggs….but I can't find them anywhere. This is very strange. I do believe we have had unwanted visitors in the middle of the night again, helping themselves to whatever they pleased, without the slightest regard for anyone else. This won't do at all! I shall have to report this to the Captain. I'm sorry, Lieutenant, you'll have to wait awhile, and I'll find something else to rustle up.…Oh, good morning, Commander. You'll find some tea, coffee and toast on the hotplate. I will have something else for you just as soon as I can." He turned, and started rummaging about rather desperately in the storage units. 

"Don't hurry yourself, Neelix. Fruit and toast will do me just fine," said Chakotay, lifting an apple from the bowl. He took a huge bite, and moved towards the jug of tea. "Neelix?" 

"Yes, Commander?" said the man, straightening himself to his full, not very considerable, height and standing to attention. 

"What did we have for breakfast and lunch yesterday?" 

"Well…for lunch we had Birisian ghak; for breakfast mackerel." 

"Do me a favour, Neelix, and check your records." 

Neelix hesitated in momentary confusion, but then went to the computer. Accessing the file, he expressed some surprise. "Well?" asked Chakotay, now feeling rather fascinated by what was happening. 

"It seems I was wrong Commander…yes…these are my records from yesterday. For lunch we had fried soy meal, buttered carrots and almond pudding. For breakfast we had…" 

"Parsillim eggs?" supplied Chakotay, with a grin. 

"Why, yes. How did you know?" 

"Let's just say something weird is going on here…and when I have a better explanation I will let you know." 

Neelix twitched his whiskers. Something weird going on? That was par for the course in the Delta Quadrant. And as Chakotay walked across to sit with Tom, Neelix thought there was a definite spring in his step. 

Yes, Chakotay was beginning to believe. 

He _had_ made love to Kathryn last night. 

But he damn well couldn't remember a thing about it. 

* * *

  


Up on the Bridge, he'd watched Kathryn very carefully to see if there was anything unusual in her behaviour, any indication that she knew something special had happened last night. There was nothing he could detect, although later in the day, he did see tell tale knots in her brow that signalled one of her headaches. She soon secluded herself in her Ready Room, and stayed there for much of the day. 

He checked ship's records for the last few days. They all looked like totally boring mundane days. Nothing to excite anyone's attention. And that was just it…there should have been something above and beyond the normal technical data, the ship's speeds, position, course…fuel consumption. Nothing on long range scanners. No aliens. No anomalies. No systems malfunctions. It was all just too ordinary. 

He was _definitely_ beginning to believe. 

In the afternoon, he ventured into the Ready Room, where the Command team shared a coffee together. Replicators had now mysteriously and unaccountably started working again. Nobody knew what had caused the problem in the first place. Chakotay had a theory about that, but he wasn't telling Kathryn yet. He thought that the aliens had intended to prevent replication of any writing materials. 

He asked her how her head was. She smiled at his perceptiveness, and told him it was much better. He then asked her for an account of what had happened yesterday. She'd looked a bit puzzled, but he asked her to humour him. She recited all the ship's logs and data almost verbatim. Another perfectly uninteresting day, with nothing of any significance to report, if you discounted the breakdown of the replicators, and that was minor in the grand scheme of things. 

"But isn't that strange in itself?" he asked her. 

"Not necessarily. The laws of probability say that once in a while we will get a perfectly ordinary boring day, when nothing much happens. We are in the middle of empty space, after all. And yesterday happened to be that day." 

"And the day before?" 

Kathryn wriggled, and he could see she conceded his point. "What are you getting at, Commander?" 

"I'm just saying that we never get a perfectly boring ordinary day out here. It's almost as if we've had aliens secretly on board ensuring everything runs perfectly smoothly…" 

She didn't miss a beat. Didn't look the slightest bit fazed by this. "Are you seriously suggesting we have intruders on board?" she said, without the slightest hitch in her voice. In fact her tone suggested that she accepted he was teasing her. She clearly hadn't noticed anything significant about the day before. 

"No, Captain. If there were any aliens, then I'm sure they're long gone," he said with a tone of jest and a twinkle in his eye. "Today, however, is far from ordinary. Neelix is wondering where some of his supplies have got to. He first thought someone has been pilfering from the store cupboards in the middle of the night, but now he's checked his logs, he's found that he did in fact cook said items yesterday. Several other crewmen report items they seem to have mislaid, and Crewman Yosa had an unexplained injury to his head, which he does not remember doing. And Tuvok reports several people turning up late for combat training, complaining they had forgotten what day it is." 

"So all in all a typical day in the Delta Quadrant?" she affirmed, with a hint of amusement in her eyes. 

"Nothing you need to concern yourself about." 

"Well, keep me informed…" 

"Kathryn, are you free for dinner tonight?" Was there a moment's hesitation in her response? Did her eyes search his face for some hidden meaning in his words? Or did he imagine it? 

"Chakotay," she responded, "As it happens, I have nothing planned for the next fifty years or so…" 

"Good. I want to talk to you about something. 20.00 hours?" 

"My quarters. Bring the wine." 

* * *

  


As the day wore on, Chakotay became more convinced than ever that what he had read had actually happened. He was very glad when his duty shift ended, so that he could devote his mind to thinking what to do about it. By the time they sat down to dinner, he was sure he was going to face Kathryn with it. She probably wouldn't believe him, he knew that. And he would probably leave late tonight a disappointed man, just as he always did. But he couldn't let this rest. He couldn't just ignore it and hope it would go away. If anything, it was the spur he had needed for a long time to tackle what lay between them head on. 

The dinner was relaxed and enjoyable, just as usual, and he waited until they had taken their coffee across to the soft lounge chairs before bringing it up. 

"Kathryn, can we talk together about a personal issue…just as friends who care very deeply about one another?" 

"Always." 

"It's about yesterday." 

"Yes?" she asked curiously. 

"You know I mentioned to you this afternoon that I thought aliens had been on board?" 

"Mmm hmm." 

"I wasn't joking." 

"Chakotay, if you seriously think we've been infiltrated by aliens, then why are you bringing this up now? We should have dealt with it at this morning's briefings." 

"Well, firstly, I think they've gone…and we won't be seeing them again. And secondly, it involves something personal between you and me." 

"Meaning?" 

"Meaning…we made love." 

She choked on her wine. "That's preposterous. I think I'd know about it, if we had!" she blustered. 

"Well, I don't remember it either. And that's the point. The aliens have wiped our memories of the last couple of days." 

"Chakotay, you are really stretching the limits of credibility here! You must be living in some fantasy land, if you think I would have allowed myself to cross the line!" she said somewhat defensively. Then she realised that might have sounded a bit hurtful. "I mean...you are an attractive man, Chakotay, but I _am_ the Captain of this ship!" 

"You did. _We_ did. Because both of us thought the memory would be gone today." 

"You have too vivid an imagination!" 

"Kathryn, do you have a birthmark on your inner left thigh…a pale strawberry half moon?" 

"Well, really!" she answered indignantly. 

"Do you? It's a simple question." 

She pouted, reluctant to answer. "Yes! But that proves nothing!" she blurted. 

He drew some sheaves of paper out from his jacket. Kathryn eyed them with a mixture of confusion and alarm. "When I woke this morning, I found this beside my bed." 

"What is it?" 

"It's a letter…written by myself…to me. With a feather pen and boot polish, apparently. It's an account of what happened over the last couple of days, and last night in particular…" 

"It's probably some elaborate hoax!" 

"That is what I thought at first. But, it is my writing. I know it is. I'm convinced it's genuine. And I remember buying the paper. I'll explain what it says. Please, just listen, Kathryn. With an open mind." 

After a moment she nodded, and he began to explain the visit of Kellin and the other Ramurans, their power over their victims' minds and the virus planted in the ship's systems. This part was uncontroversial, and Kathryn relaxed a little. It could be a complete fantastical tale, but it was not uncomfortable listening. Yet. 

He came to his relationship with Kellin. He couldn't even remember what she looked like, but clearly she had deceived him into believing himself in love with her. When she had gone he had been relieved, and he had come back to his senses. He knew whom he really loved. The same woman, he'd always loved. At this point, Kathryn got up and retreated to the viewport, staring vacantly at the blackness outside. It was as if she was trying to distance herself from the emotional tangle his words were weaving. 

Chakotay came to the heart of the letter. Kellin had gone. It was then that he had come to her quarters, and they had used the rare opportunity to be honest with each other. They had admitted their feelings and they had acted on them. They had discussed the possibility of the impossible. They had dared to think the unthinkable. That they could be together and make it work. 

They had had the most wonderful night of their lives and it was gone…obliterated from their memories. Washed away like writing on the strand. He had written the epistle out of desperation to remember. It was all he had left of this glorious memory, and who was to know if they would ever have the chance to be together again. 

"I cannot bear the thought that we have been together for one beautiful night, and neither of us can remember it. I cannot bear that we might never be together again. I cannot accept that this is all there is left of it…all there ever will be." He paused, surveying her back as she stood ramrod straight in silence. "Kathryn, I sincerely believe that this happened. I'm hoping that you can accept that it happened too. I understand that you're in a difficult position as Captain, but I hope and trust she's not the person I'm talking to right now. I hope I am talking quite simply to the woman who loves me." He went up to stand behind her, and noticed the glint of tears in the reflection of her eyes. "You do have feelings for me, don't you?" 

"Yes," she replied softly. 

"Then please believe me when I say this happened. Don't dismiss it as some crazy fantasy." 

She turned half towards him and gave a little sad smile. Then she pushed past him, striding off to her bedroom. He was puzzled for a moment, till she reappeared carrying a large piece of something resembling wrapping paper with a great deal of writing on it. "Mascara and a knitting needle…apparently," she explained with a broad tearful smile. 

He crossed the room in three bounds and took her joyfully into his arms. 

"You wanted to remember as much as I did!" he exclaimed, nuzzling her ear. 

"Do you really have another tattoo somewhere very private?" she asked incredulously. 

"Well, if you show me yours...I'll show you mine," he teased, before kissing her soundly. 

* * *

  


It was Kathryn's turn to talk. She explained how awful she had felt when she had woken this morning. Positively nauseous for a while. 

"I was sticky and sore. There are marks on my neck and well…elsewhere. I knew I'd had a good seeing to. My first reaction was that I'd been hideously violated while unconscious, and, to tell the truth, I was relieved when I found this. So, much as I might like to, I can't pretend this didn't happen. We have to find a way to deal with it. I knew when you asked me that question this afternoon, that you had an inkling too. I was just hoping the whole thing would go away." 

"Don't try to brush this under the carpet, Kathryn. We did this. We both admitted that we loved each other yesterday, before our memories were tampered with. We are still the same two people today. We have to be honest with each other, now that we will always recollect it. Twenty four hours hasn't changed how we feel. We loved each other yesterday. We still love each other today." He looked at her with pleading eyes. "Don't we?" 

"Yes. I do love you, Chakotay. But that doesn't make it possible for us to be together." 

"Well, I understand that you might need some time. But we will thrash this out. I won't let this go. We talked this through last night. We went through everything…you threw all the objections at me and I tossed them out of the airlock. We apparently agreed that we could find a way to make it work." 

He sat on the sofa, drawing her after him, and he was thrilled that she nestled up against him. He threw one arm over her shoulder, pulling her closer. She threw all the objections at him all over again. And he tossed them out the airlock all over again. They began to envision the changes that would be brought about by a change in their relationship. The crew would take it as a signal. It might subtly alter the nature of their journey. Chakotay knew of several couples who wanted to settle down together. It would herald a more familial atmosphere on board. Voyager would become much more of a home, maybe a generational ship. Possibly there'd be children on board…they'd discussed this once before. But Chakotay saw this as a good thing. Naomi wouldn't be the only child aboard. People could get on with their lives, not place them on hold till they got home. They'd have to be more cautious, putting more emphasis on safety rather than speed. Go around difficult areas of space. Borg space was behind them, else it would have been impossible to contemplate this. The journey would take longer, but they wouldn't arrive home just a bunch of tired old men and women who'd lost a large chunk of their lives. No, Starfleet could not expect them…and that included Captains…to stop living for fifty years. This was a big leap for Kathryn to make. It meant accepting that, in all likelihood, that elusive wormhole or subspace corridor...the one that would get them home precipitately...was not going to turn up any time soon. This was something Kathryn had always placed her faith in. It was the reason for her hope. And her hope was the reason for everybody else's hope. The crew's mood was inextricably linked to their Captain's mood. But maybe, just maybe, there was another way to find hope for the future. 

"We're perfectly placed to start this, Kathryn. We're in the middle of open space, weeks from civilisation, nothing on sensors for light years ahead. Just the place for us both to take time out and get the heady early days out of our system." 

"We can't let the crew see us taking time off duty just to behave like two sex-crazed teenagers. What kind of an example would we be setting?" 

"We could if it was a honeymoon." 

"Pardon?" she gasped. 

"Turn the ship over to Tuvok for a while. Get him to perform the ceremony." 

"Now, hang on a minute. You're getting ahead of yourself here…" 

"No, I'm not. I'm just throwing the possibility into the discussion. I'm not going to push you into anything. I just want you to think about it." She was quiet for a while, as he stroked her hair, comfortingly. The fragrant strands slipped like silk through his fingers. "Or if you prefer, we can keep this away from the crew as long as you like. Maybe only the senior staff need know." 

"It's too risky. What if we try this and it doesn't work?" she asked anxiously. 

"Well, it will. We tried last night…and it worked. It worked spectacularly. Kathryn, we cannot fail." 

"But we have some pretty major arguments…" 

"And we always make up afterwards. It just makes our relationship stronger. Just imagine what the making up will be like from now on! This is going to work. I know it in my bones. I've known it from the day I first set eyes on you. Why do you always perceive a possible relationship between us as detracting from the strength of your command? Does it never occur to you that the reverse might be true? That the unresolved feelings between us might be more distracting. That an intimate relationship between us might actually enhance your…our ability to command? Together we are a force to be reckoned with!" 

"Maybe you're right," she conceded, one hand distractedly rubbing invisible circles on his knee. 

"Besides, we'd have to stay together for the sake of the kids...all one hundred and forty odd of them..." he jested, and it did bring a smile to her lips. 

"Perhaps we should run this by the senior staff," she said uncertainly. 

"Absolutely not!" Chakotay answered firmly. "There is no way in the universe I will allow a collection of friends and colleagues, however well meaning, to decide whether or not I get to have sex with the woman I love, still less a bunch of bureaucrats fifty thousand light years away. And, if you think about it, I hope you'll come to see it the same way too." 

Kathryn exhaled with a sigh. He certainly had a point. 

"Kathryn, the only people who should be making the decision here are you and me," he continued. "The only reason we should be making it is because it is what we both want. And it is what we both want, isn't it?" 

"Yes," she answered honestly. 

"I don't want the only night I ever spend with you to be a figment of my imagination. I don't want my only memory of it to be a few words on a piece of paper. I want the memory to be alive...in my head and in my heart. I want to show you how much I love you, and I want you to know it in your head and heart too. Let's do this all over again so that we can remember it this time. And let's show Starfleet how amazing our partnership is!" 

For long moments, she was quiet. Then she turned her sparkling hopeful eyes to his. Some insistant part of her was telling her to seize this now, before her responsibilities closed in and stole her courage from her. She lifted one of her hands touch the side of his face, her fingers just brushing his ear. "Chakotay, I love you. Let's not waste another moment…" 

He squeezed his eyes in relief, as his lips moved in a silent thank you to the powers that rule the universe. "Kathryn, I love you too, and I promise you will never regret this!" 

Their lips met. The time for talking was over. Now the hunger in their bodies took over. He thumbed open her jacket and slipped it from her shoulders. One by one he removed her pips from her collar and laid them in a little line on the coffee table. She took his rank bar, and placed it beside them. Hands and lips began to explore feverishly. Clothing was shed like blossom petals onto the floor. 

She stood and drew him after her into her bedroom. In no time at all, he had her naked on the bed, his eyes sweeping her form, as if to burn this moment forever in his memory. As if he was afraid that some terrible spectre might maliciously come and steal the memory away. 

"So beautiful," he whispered, before chasing a necklace of kisses the length of her collarbone. 


End file.
